Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
not ubering you a puppy
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
