I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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