i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize