clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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