The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
