Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
