dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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