Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
These tits shall not be calmed
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
