I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
