Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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