So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
now i know why i became what i already was.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
