I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Watching her eat just hurts me
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
