Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
