Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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