Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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