I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
