I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
