you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
