just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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