How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize