Your dad touched me again.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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