I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
