hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
