the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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