she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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