I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
