At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
babies were throwing up all over the place
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Brb crying the tears of my youth
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
