I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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