I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
