Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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