plz talk dirty to me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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