I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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