does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
