just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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