Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
