the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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