I hate all girls vehemently.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
