Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
