I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Randomize
