I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Never underestimate the power of titties
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
