All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
