There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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