I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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