I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
