I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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