There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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