I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
