Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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