I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
