I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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