If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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