turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
