I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
