Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
