when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there was a trapeze. enough said
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize