i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
