At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
