I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize