weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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