this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
