Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
