I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
